A blog about stuff white people don't like
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Ironically, smoking was once a staple in the white community. Schools and offices had smoking rooms and the habit was thought to cause no harmful side effects. Now, white people know better and spit on smokers, banishing them to the outskirts of society. When eating in a restaurant or drinking at a bar, do not make the mistake of lighting up in a designated non-smoking area. You will be severely chastised by at least one brave white person while the rest sneer at you as if you just farted.
The only smokers whites accept without judgment are celebrities--particularly legitimate actors or members of rock bands. Why? Because white people believe that smoking makes these types of people cool and edgy; without smoking, they will lose some of their authenticity-- a very important quality that white people admire. Therefore, its ok to a white person that Sean Penn, for example, smokes a pack a day. He's killing himself, but it's part of his craft.
btw: Even Barack Obama knows white people don't like cigarettes and forced himself to quit smoking before the primaries
Sunday, March 2, 2008
In order to preempt any feelings of exclusion, white people go to great lengths to be a part of everything they can find: neighborhood associations, political groups, animal rights organizations, booster clubs, parent-teacher groups, book clubs, country clubs etc. White people are game for anything that entitles them to a card certifying their membership and requires them to pay dues.
In addition to pointless memberships, white people are also known to employ a less difficult, but just as effective, tactic for avoiding exclusion: gossipping about the people around them. Never underestimate the power that this behavior can provide. It serves two functions: one, it includes them in "the loop" of people who know the information and two, it provides them with firepower if they ever need to launch a quick counter-offensive against someone who is attempting to exclude them.
"Sorry Sharon, I wish you could go to lunch with us but its just the people from acccounting that are going."
"Oh ok John. Hey, I just heard you have a nasty case of IBS. I'll ask around the building while you're gone to see if anyone knows a good doctor."
"You know what Sharon, just come with us".
Friday, February 29, 2008
The first approach involves extreme caution. This type of white person is NOT going to risk it and will make themselves look like an ass on the beach before they are forced to peel their skin off a week later. Wide brimmed hats, excessive application of sunscreen that is not rubbed in, and frequent trips inside are all mandatory. This person is easily identifiable not only by their outfit but also by their involvement with everyone else's approach to sun protection. Note that these types of white people are usually older but on rare exceptions can be younger if the particular person happens to be fiendishly pale.
The second approach involves no care at all. This type of person throws caution to the wind when they venture outside. It's a stubborn attitude that is no doubt brought on by the frustration that a melanin deficient body provides. Too many trips to the store for aloe vera can wear on a person. Go to the beach with this type of white person and after offering them the SPF 35 you may hear a wide array of responses:
"No thanks. I get burned every year and I'm convinced there is nothing I can do about it. Plus, deep down I think I look a little better in my beach clothes beet red than I do pale."
"What are you kidding? I don't need sunscreen. I know I'm pale 12 months out of the year but I swear I can tan pretty easily".
"Leave me alone. I'm on vacation damn it and I payed a lot of money for this Sandals resort package."
btw: the first approach is usually adopted after multiple experiences with the second approach
also btw: all the pictures on the Sandals website are of white people
Why are they so obesessed with self-medication? Perhaps because the habit starts early when little white children are told they need to take a pill every day so that mommy doesnt rip her face off. Or maybe its because white people's televisions are overloaded with images of happy old people in tubs and talking cartoon bees telling them that life can't go on without their product.
Whatever the reason, white people feed a multi-billion dollar industry every time they pay money to recieve a prescription from their drug dealer...I mean doctor. Doctors get richer, drug compaines get richer, and white people couldn't be happier.
Yet, the good people at Church's have never seemed to draw the white community into their establishments. 9 out of 10 people in a Church's are black and the 10th guy wishes he was black. Instead of eating at Church's, white people opt for KFC when they want fried chicken. But who can blame them-- those god damn bowls are phenomenal.
btw: Corporate america has clearly caught on to the fact that white people don't like Church's and do not include them in their commercials. See here and here.
update: I found a Church's commercial that has a white person in it. You decide if it looks like he's been there before.